PORNODIPENDENZA destroys me like heroin or cocaine Dear Mr. Knight,
my name is Rosario, I'm 24 and far too long I watch very often videos, films and other pornographic material, more or less since I turned on the connection to the Internet.
But I would describe myself a bit: as I said, I'm 24, studying biology at the University of Palermo, I live in a village of 6000 inhabitants in the province of Palermo. I am a generous guy, a student, shy, fragile, sensitive, with little self-confidence and the look in her words and appreciation of other people. I deal with politics in my village and until a few months ago I was engaged for almost eight years with a girl and I'm still in love and I believe that my pornodipendenza has done much to ruin my love affair.
As I said, I began to see the erotic and pornographic material in adolescence, a bit of curiosity.
Actually I think it all begins one night at the age of 12 years, on my bed when I began to play to simulate a sexual relationship, something I had never done before. After a bit of movement up and giùcon my penis on the mattress, I felt a sudden urge to urinate, but obviously it was not urine but my first ejaculation. Shame, initially, was enormous and of course I did not have the courage to tell anyone, I remember I lived through that situation with considerable embarrassment, because entivo quell'pisodio that was the first truly intimate secret that I had not the courage to reveal to anyone.
ualche But days later, I began this game, which, after all, I thought, was pleasant and gratifying, almost every night for about two weeks I was doing this game, on time, ended with un'iaculazione smearing her panties to avoid leaving tracks. After some time, but I was attacked by a profound sense of guilt cosicchècercavo to stop these games, interrupting coitus virtual or just holding the muscles to prevent the pubic iaculazione, but the results were largely mediocre.
Subsequently, they continued to simulate sexual intercourse, almost always at night, just before falling asleep, but I began to realize that no game but was no longer a necessity, a ritual I needed otherwise I could not sleep. Well - this always 12 or 13 years - to maintain an erection and following up these embraces virtual imagined having sex with my classmates prettiest or famous women, to touch her breasts, buttocks, to kiss her until ejaculation came in my pants.
I lived pretty bad situation, but often happened to talk to my friends or classmates, perhaps because of sex at that age the curiosity to know something more about sex and came to the conclusion, whenever I was assailed by feelings of guilt, it was still normal, not doing anything wrong; pear ² often repeated this cycle of guilt, resignation and acceptance. Shortly after I discovered that at night the local TV advertised erotic services auxiliary to fee-paying numbers 166 or 899 by showing women undressing, touching, exciting and made you excited, what I ¬ found myself masturbating looking at those pictures being careful that no one, my brother or my parents, I found out. Of course when he got the most pleasure (on average € ™ after a hour or two), turn everything off and went to bed and sometimes I went to bed with my virtual sex to achieve a further € ™ ejaculation. This â € œrito notturnoâ € continuous bed ² € ™ s about to € ™ s age of 15 years, when finally I decided to do more of these â € œstupidi games and Child, € which made me feel more and more guilty, but Then I began € to â € œusare the mania masturbating when I happened during the day, while continuing to think of having sex with famous or beautiful women with beautiful high school friends, the strange thing is that, however, although anxious to get a girl , not only wanted to have sex and then make those erotic dreams, because I considered this a miserable thing, I never did, but I wanted to love and cuddle. I told myself that when I had a girlfriend I would stop to masturbate or simulate sex in bed. So I continued to masturbate, to look in the weekend of promotional talent shows and local TV to imagine sexual intercourse during masturbation. I remember even coming to write lists of women in the entertainment and real girls (classmates, acquaintances, friends, strangers) that I wanted to take me to bed and those thoughts that excite me, but when I finally got to the full enjoyment, my mood collapsed and I was overwhelmed with guilt, shame, hopelessness. Despite these constant feelings of guilt for my bad habit, I went to school very well and I had no problem, no, I was the good of the class (so much so that I graduated with 100/100 and words): I was beginning to resign themselves to € ™ idea that maybe I would have never healed and I began to realize that maybe it was a disease that I had. Finally a 16 and a half years I was engaged with the girl I mentioned in the introduction € ™, € ™ s only one who has ever had, the one who made me become a man and that gave me the love that nobody could give me in 24 years, she of which are still madly in love ... as soon as I began to know her, as if by magic, I stopped masturbating and thinking about other women in terms of object of desire, in short, I was keeping the promise I had made, CIOA is about to do away with these dirty games as soon as I'd boyfriend. And so it was actually for a good year and maybe even more ... © because, while not having sex, me and my girlfriend simulated relationship without come in contact with the genitals. Sometimes, when I thought about my girl, happened to masturbate and simulate sex even in bed, but I saw it as something allowed because I was thinking about her anyway. I just do not like to associate my girl with those rites and a minimum of guilt you feel it even on those occasions.
Things fell in 2004 when my family made the first Internet subscription, so driven by curiosity of the stories of my classmates, I began to look for sites of pornographic material, but the slow pace of 56k connection led me to look for in an obsessive way of the material when I realized I could not download the video I wanted to see: this frantic search porno video continues for a long period of time and for many hours a day until the explosion in my pants and implosion € ™ s on my mood, but failing to see a video like every day you must seek and search, until one day the call comes that the Telecom reported an abnormal consumption € ™ s use of the house was the alarm bell dâ € ™ that made me stop because the dialer that every time installed unknowingly made us spend very high figures. I felt deeply guilty, not because he saw the sex video but for having the phone bill to get very high figures; I decided it was time to stop seeing those that began to define filth. And what ¬ was for some months, not even I connect most if not out of necessity, slowly, pear ², I return ² desire to see the damn video and what ¬ I began again, with a frequency of once a week, taking care not to let me install dialers and viruses, for a few hours a day, I dedicated to the pursuit of pleasure illusory, although a girl who fulfilled my wishes, because we had started having sex. When the bills, pear ², returned to be salted so I decided that I had to stop seeing those videos because © were destroying me and my family. I must stress however that these videos to see them tried in secret and especially when I was home alone, but often with an excuse stayed at home what I could â € ¬ € œgustarmiâ own porn videos. And again for a poa € ™ time, citing as an excuse the bills and the slowness of the connection, I did not want more to see porn videos, but I did not want even more masturbation or otherwise, even if in reality it happened a few times to let me go ... I did not realize what ¬ I felt better, that sexual intercourse with my girlfriend were fantastic, that my relationship with her and other benefits enjoyed by: Despite improvements continued to masturbate.
The situation returns ² to fall when I went to ADSL and for long 5 years, thanks to the speed of the connection I could see all the videos you want, surf the length and breadth of all the porn sites that I wanted to masturbate for hours and hours to ejaculate, and this happened on and off, CIOA ° c € ™ were times where every day, for hours, stayed for hours to see those videos during periods of my sessions were occasional pornographic ; 5 years were ugly, disastrous for my mood, my Catholic faith, for my relationship with my girlfriend, in the study and interpersonal relationships: I noticed an increase in nervousness, distractions, fatigue and hard to concentrate, my girlfriend could not get more to satisfy even hear the one hand the duty to be near her and the feeling of true love and strong for her and from € ™ more the need for affection that she only knew me, as a result our sex began to be problematic, it happened frequently that I could not keep € ™ s erection or reach orgasm € ™ s now and only return scheme to the pornographic reality failed to raise properly, except that, taken from € ™ € ™ s excited to imitate actor porno and treat my girl like a porn actress € ™, I ended up just € ™ s reach orgasm and do not get my girlfriend resulting in fights, crying knows of me, but I did not dare talk about my faults that I have never revealed to anyone today. And in those five years is been like a struggle between the desire to see porn movies and the desire to have sexual intercourse beautiful and rewarding with my girlfriend, pear ² she was always by my side, despite the shame that in my room in my bed, in my isolation I felt and the lies I told about watching porn, and she was always there ¬ to accept me even though I was sad, pessimistic, I had no confidence in me stesso, anche se la ingannavo dicendole che studiavo ed invece mi masturbavo guardando il porno. La situazione migliorò quando tra la fine del 2007 e la fine del 2008 si ruppe il computer e purtroppo (ma per fortuna se lo mettiamo in relazione al mio disturbo) i miei genitori non potevano provvedere a comprarne un altro, cosicché non potevo più guardare film porno e stavo molto meglio, la vita con la mia ragazza migliorava e davvero mi sentivo infinitamente innamorato di lei; solo che accadeva che ogni tanto, su un computer di riserva un video decidevo di vederlo, ma diciamo che lo consideravo come una piccola licenza, anche se alla fine mi sentivo come quando li vedevo ogni giorno. Finalmente (ma per me disgraziatamente) alla fine in 2008 we bought a new computer and the first thing that comes to mind to test the mica is not pc, but going to see porn movies in my computer and what ¬ reprecipitates into the abyss: I realize that I'm coming to ruin Either what I was getting better, but I can not get out. Not only that, bought in early 2009, thanks to my grandmother, the laptop: it's the coup de grace. In € ™ in April 2009, after € ™ s another university exam failed for devoting more time to porn instead of © in the study, I decided I had to stop once and for all: I had heard of pornodipendenza some time ago and I knew I had to put remedied by my strength, without letting anyone know why © shame, embarrassment and frustration € ™ were really high levels. I looked for news on the Internet, I found myself in all the symptoms described there, I joined the support group â € œnoallapornodipendenzaâ € and for two weeks I could not see more no sex video by asking at least aim to watch porn once a week for a maximum of € ™ hours, but unfortunately the dependence is an ugly beast and I can hardly go out alone, what I came to fall in ¬ vision of porn far beyond the predetermined intervals and even then I thought to appeal to a psychologist. Fortunately, at that time, I had many commitments that I could distract from the viewing of porn, even if sometimes I used to stare at € ™ s image in the mind of a beautiful girl of my country, to imagine and take her to bed to masturbate thinking of her ; what ¬ € ™ s after ejaculation, I felt like a maniac, watching the girls and examines her breasts, thighs, buttocks, face and body to judge whether it was worthy of my erotic dreams and said to myself that this was € ™ s Last time, I should not do more. It goes sà © all these thoughts that caused me a tremendous sense of guilt and embarrassment, especially in respect of my fiancee. All in all, pear ², not seeing the porn I was good in spite of other methods of auto-eroticism, but unfortunately it happened a few times during sex with my girlfriend that I could not keep € ™ s erection and I reached immediately € ™ s ejaculation and not I could hold it back somewhat to allow for a longer duration of sexual intercourse: it follows quarrels, threats to break off the relationship because © for my (ex) girlfriend sex € ™ has a vital importance and do you not have sex and fulfilling satisfactory index is a malaise in the pair: now the reason why © dà ² discomfort was inside me, but non potevo dirglielo perché le avevo giurato che non vedevo porno da quando diventai maggiorenne, come facevo a dirle: “Sai, sono un pornodipendente?â€. Comunque, riuscii a trovare un equilibrio andando a rileggere qualcosa da quei siti di aiuto per i porno-dipendenti, così riuscii a regolare in qualche modo la visione del porno al computer, e seppure a fatica fui capace di trovare un equilibrio nei rapporti sessuali con la mia ragazza, stando attento ad evitare di riportare gli schemi del film porno nel rapporto con la mia ragazza e facendo di tutto per farle raggiungere l’orgasmo anche a costo di non raggiungerlo io: mi rendo conto solo adesso che non riuscivo a rilassarmi durante quei rapporti, perché avevo paura di fallire e di non soddisfare la mia donna, anche se mi piaceva fare l’amore con lei. Insomma, non ero soddisfatto al 100% perché non mi lasciavo andare del tutto, non mi rilassavo, però ritenevo di non riuscire a dare di più. Nel 2010 la situazione è andata più o meno come le ho descritto da quando ho capito di avere un problema anche se effettivamente non ho fatto nulla per risolverlo: qualche video, qualche sogno erotico; ma la situazione è diventata più frustrante, perché la mia ragazza intanto è partita per lavoro, quindi mi è venuto a mancare il mio grande sostegno affettivo, l’unica donna che mi capisce, dà forza e fiducia e sopperivo alla sua mancanza aumentando le ore di visione del porno ed aumentando le ore di sogni erotici e quindi della masturbazione. La frustrazione è aumentata perché vedo il porno quando mi sento arrabbiato, quando le cose non vanno come vorresti, la mia valvola di sfogo è il porno, ma alla fine mi sento peggio di come mi sentivo prima, perché alla rabbia si aggiunge la vergogna, il sentirsi un fallito, la rassegnazione per il fatto che questo problema non riuscirò mai a risolverlo. E questo senso di sfiducia, di incapacità , di fallimento, più volte avvertito nella mia vita, mi ha portato ad aumentare il nervosismo, a prendermela in un certo senso with my girlfriend for giving me œabbandonatoâ € â €, not to be here by my side made me divert attention from € ™ s damn porno. ¬ What is decreased communication between us, understanding that already contribute to lessening the distance, because of my sense of resignation, my pessimism, which I believe has its origins in pornodipendenza, and has done so that our relationship ended, of course, for other reasons. Peru ² one thing that my girlfriend I was reproached truncated after our report is the lack of sexual satisfaction, and I always know what is due to any cia ²; I did not capacitated All you to do ¬ ² and since she left me have again fallen into the tunnel of porn, even though, in reality, I seek refuge in sex only when I feel sad, disappointed and angry. If things go well I do not feel the need to see porn. ¬ And what I and my girlfriend have tried to start our story when she is back for the Christmas holidays: ¬ also the fact that she had me distracted us from the need to watch porn and I felt good, even if a day game I said why do not you watch a porn video? You agree that, shortly after trying to make € ™ love is but the result was an absolute disaster for my fault, as usual. And that was € ™ s episode that did resurface in the mind of my girlfriend all the negative feelings about our relationship and that made her decide to leave. Although the next few days we were together the great and of course I had hopes to get back together with her, here returned to the city where he lives now, just a week after our attempt to start again and all the speeches that seemed to move towards one of our rapprochement, informs me that there is no place for me in his life, that love is something else and so on. etc.. although I have no reason to think that it is not. But I asked for your help, dear Doctor, for pornodipendenza: if you want and can I'll tell you of my love story that I'd love to start by removing the first instance to my problems, first of all the pornodipendenza.
Sorry for the length of the letter. I ask you to please help me. I want to stop watching porn, I know I'm sick with a disease sly, insinuating itself as a nice thing and instead gradually destroys you, a little 'like a drug such as cocaine or heroin.
Please love me help: I \u200b\u200bwant to start a new life, I take back my life, win back my wife, to have confidence in myself and realize my desires. I think I need psychotherapy, but I do not have the courage to tell my also because of economic conditions in my family do not allow it and honestly I do not know where to turn here in Palermo. And for this I feel even before receiving a response, the need to thank you for the service that makes us poor unfortunates who may have everything in life and destroys it by going back to a pleasure illusory, ephemeral, false, silicon.
Thanks again,
